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I had a nightmare where I was a girl and I kept trying and trying and trying and trying to apply to Hololive EN but kept failing each application despite having even more and more to my name to the point I was one of the highest numbers in the entire scene and being completely self-made completely unstained by the current EN circlejerks or cliques and how oversaturated everything was.
I kept crying and crying and bawling my eyes out about how I'd never be able to meet my oshi and how I'd never be able to experience and have the sense of community and belonging being in Hololive provides.
I woke up and I'd actually been crying while asleep, my pillow was drenched, and as I was thinking and looking back on the dream and feeling sad about it I ended up feeling double sad about it because, ultimately, that dream is reality, but in way way way simpler way, since the simple fact of being born male meant no matter what I do, no matter what I achieve, I will never be able to enjoy that kind of experience and life Hololive girls experience. Even if everything is obviously not how it seems through the screen, that there's lots and lots we don't see or know about, that not everything is rainbows and sunshine, I still felt very deep and heart wrenching sadness at this fact of life and of my existence.
