>>22127755(1/2)
The stream is over now. You face your camera to the wall and and let out a sigh. Everything is going alright and yet you can't help this feeling that is suffocating you. Am I good enough? Is it fine? Everything just feels so off and distant, it feels like like you don't deserve to be in this position. It's been a while, it seems like you can't help hating yourself no matter what. There is no use thinking those thoughts, but it's also impossible to have this happy-go-lucky streaming persona once you're on your own. Kind of wish you actually was the way you're presenting yourself to your audience and friends.
"Oh well, I guess I'll just masturbate than, huh" - that's what you thought to change the train of thoughts going on in your head. It's kind of a bad habit, you keep distancing yourself from negative thoughts by masturbating so often that your body developed a respondent conditioning on having self-hatred by giving you a massive erection.
"I guess I get dressed today too".
You pulled down your pants and threw them on the bed. Not gonna lie, you do have a nice lumpy thighs and ass, and that's probably the only thing you love about yourself in any condition.
You feel the urge to give youself a nice slap.
"Ow!". That actually hurt this time! "Am I fucking shtewpid?" - you thought to yourself. The slap was kind of hard, you saw the skin getting red. There is something hot what you see and in getting such kind of pain in current condition. It's better than just hurting yourself like you did before, right? At least now you've learned to convert almost pain you experience in a sexual pleasure.
You reach into your closet and pull out maid dress you had on cooking stream. It actually kind of suits you, and the feeling of a silky cloth this dress made of grinding against your bare skin is really nice. It's such an exotic feeling to walk like this - you feel freedom in your crotch area and fresh wind brushing against you as you move. You sit down in the chair and pull up your skirt looking at your penis. It's not supposed to be arousing but it is lowkey hot to look at it peeking out of such a feminine dress. You lay one of your hands on it and start stroking as usual trying to think about something pleasing. It's hard to control your thoughts even in those moments, no matter what you do nothing just feels good and it's hard to think of something. You do all those things like dressing up hoping that pure lust would envelope your brain and your thoughts just disappear. It would've be nice to just masturbate until you pass out and wake up only the next day when you'll be streaming again, being happy Mysta Rias everyone loves. You wish you never had time to reflect and think about your life, never had free time.
"Bloody hell..."
You caught yourself thinking about depressing shit again. It fucking makes you angry and you slap yourself again. The pain clears the brain for a while and you return to feeling nothing but dull and empty lust - that's better.
Your neck feels itchy from the sweat and you reach your other
hand to scratch it and... Your fingers feel the collar around your neck. You wear it everyday so you even forget it exists. This gave you a brilliant idea.
So, you've decided to fasten it tighter around your neck. Your vision gets a little bit cloudy and you feel lightheaded. You stroke your cock faster. It's not too tight so it's not like you're doing something dangerous, right? And yet it's enough to numb your mind a bit and turn sensitivity up.
