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Because I'm a social retard and I use my oshi as a replacement for companionship in my life. I watch her streams when I'm lonely, I listen to her talk while I do other stuff like work, I like her personality, I like to know what she's thinking about. At night, I listen to her voice while I slowly drift away into sleep, hugging a pillow and imagining it's her I'm holding in my arms, to just for a brief moment have at least the illusion of what it might be like to feel loved and having someone to love.
Because interpersonal relationships are literally required for us to function as human beings, there's no amount of therapy or meds that could ever cure the crippling loneliness of having no one. And seeing that one positive thing in your life being taken by someone else, someone who she's closer with than with you, someone she trusts and actually loves, it reminds me of the fakeness of it all, the facade and it evokes envy because he has something I will never have, despite being the only thing I truly want in life.
Tl;dr: I'm not a cuck
