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I fucking hate that my mind goes to a place like this, but it seems like it'd be long here, here goes.
I like women, and I do want to talk to 'em more. Friendships, perhaps even a relationship, it'd be nice.
But I'm fucking terrified. I'm always worried about saying the wrong thing or coming across a certain way. So I often say nothing. I usually don't even get responses. And the times where I try to step out of my comfort zone I regret it because I actually do end up saying or doing something wrong and I have no idea what it is since I just get ignored and I have to figure it out all on my own and drive myself mad. Obviously I'm doing something wrong, but I don't know what. Maybe I am being too much, maybe I'm actually overbearing and I don't realize it, maybe I haven't tried hard enough, maybe I'm trying too hard. I don't know.
With Vtubers however, I don't have to worry about kinda stuff.
I know they won't ever respond to me personally. I don't have to worry about saying the wrong thing or doing something dumb because they won't fucking see anything I send anyway. In a way, it's just a fantasy. One I get to lose myself in and enjoy, even if it means looking away from reality for a while.
The question then becomes when that veil fades, but I try to tell myself that I'll enjoy this stuff while it's around. It helps that I've been at home for a year.
But in reality, nothing changes. Even if things were to go back to "normal" and I try socializing again, I don't know. I'm scared.
There's also a part of me that just says "you know what, fuck everything, who gives a shit, just fucking do something", and that's in direct conflict with the other, scared part of me. And I'm kind of torn somewhere in the middle.
I hate all of these thoughts. That's why this is a sin, and that's why I'm confessing here.
