>>17512703Cuck here, I appreciate your efforts.
In terms of more objective criticism, I think the rising action felt a little contrived, what with her going deep-in with the queen of spades schtick without any apparent foreknowledge of (You)r masochistic tendencies or experience being an onahole. After that it picked up more normally though, and the sex scenes themselves were fairly juicy..
In terms of whether you captured the essence of the fetish... kind of? Seeing Fubuki be a little pushy and call (You) out for getting hard at hearing about/watching her get dicked down is very much in the spirit of it, as is her attitude gradually getting sluttier. Picrel was the peak of it IMO, got me good.
That said, a few things were distinctly not to my taste. Having the entire thing be instigated by her, at first in secret from you, paints her as rather bitchy, which sort of weakens the apparent strength of her relationship with Anon and leaves little room for corrupting it further. Much of the eroticism is in the gradient of it all, the downward spiral: the sweeter and more attached the girl, the more depravedly erotic it is to have her gradually tease and deny you more and more as she gets sluttier.
Next, and this is like a 50/50 as far as netorase fans go, the actual scenes where she's fucking other dudes are of little descriptive interest to me. Rather, I care about the milestones of depravity she's hitting (getting done raw, gangbanged for the first time, kissing and acting lovey-dovey with other guys, etc) and want the meat of the erotic description to be reserved for scenes between the girl and the cuck. Again, coming back to the handjob, I'd rather that have been expanded greatly in length, or to multiple similar scenes, while her exploits with Jamal be reported by her in shorthand directly to Anon rather than given so much focus by the narrator.
Finally, and again, 50/50ish on preference amongst fans, ending a story on a really optimistic note like that is a bit of a blueball. Not to say I want a "bad end", mind, where she's permanently cucked away or whatever, but giving the cuck extra pussy from other girls feels too rewarding for a narrative targeting masochists. A simple reaffirmation of Fubuki's love would have sufficed, if not a "the adventure continues!"-style ending where they continue the erotic play indefinitely into the future.
Seriously though, I appreciate the effort. Incidentally, I AM a cuck and I rather dislike Mori
