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Sometimes I think about the way how I would want Selen to propose to me if I were ever lucky enough for her to love me like that, but to a certain extent I feel like marrying her would be wrong as well. I kind of just start sobbing from happiness when instead I think of her showing me off to others, and when she brags about how good I am at being a servant for her, someone else offers to hire me at a far higher price, but I politely decline, and with a smile publicly declare that I belong to master and no one else. I've always had a weird dream of being a hypercompetent person who can do anything and everything except lead. Someone who can cook, clean, code, organize, schedule, manage, design, serve, and do research, but contrary to the expectations of all those organization that are so stupidly deadset on producing "leaders" or whatever, I am happily identified as "Selen's maid". If someone calls me her dog I'll smile and bark at them, if they call me her cocksleeve I just know they're jealous; I'm the one who might have be honored with bearing her child.
I kind of feel sometimes that I really don't mind in my fantasies that she doesn't love me, as long as she wants me and is willing to use me. A maid who draws water for her bath when she's about to finish streams, someone who will happily draft up her schedule and act as a secondary manager and navigator of the stupid bureaucracy for her. A happy bedwarmer who makes her domicile a home, all while doing my secondary work on the side. I don't know why, but listening to Selen play Apex today really reminded me that I don't really want to be her wife or for her to love me, I just want her to want me, and the fact she does love me as one of her dragoons makes me so so happy, and I'm in love with her for allowing me to call her my oshi
