>>72798139first of all, congratulations on capturing that "No nonsense 2010 battle harem" feel. Its such an unique feeling that makes me go "god damn i want a violent tsundere to stall this plot! this rules!"
I think the Lui characterization is top notch, specially with the exchanges and teasing. Is it a bit cliche? maybe,but i have nothing against those if they are well executed and here works great.
But with that being said, i think the problem with your fight scene AND the narration is that it...lingers in scenes. Its like are describing cgs in a game, and that makes it all look static.
>“What makes you think you can interrupt important Omaru-za busin–” his words suddenly halted with his body launching up in the air. In the time I blinked the muscle-bound man had suddenly vanished and in his place was the woman with her fist in the air. Here, for example i can picture the scene clearly...but it isnt that dynamic. IF anything, calling back to that 2010 harem feel, it feels like a freeze frame where the scene goes.
>Girl punches>Guy flies away. Stops in the air>Everyone looks at him>we describe how he looks>time resumes>He landsMy two cents here would be triying to paint the movement rather than the "keyframe" moments
>"What makes you think you can deal with Omaru-" *CRUNCH*
The gorilla never finishes his sentence as he sails across the alleway over Ace and his gang, eyes white as he crashes into an open trashcan. In just a second, this girl has sent a man twice her stature packing.
Of course this is just an example. I think the idea of her being faster than you can follow works, but it needs to have a change of pace or it feels static and almost like its a turn based rpg fight. The flicker is a perfect use of that freeze frame effect.
Now the narration has some trouble. It describes some things to paint the scene (the meal with Lui) but it doesnt "move". It feels like we go from scene to scene and anything inbetween scenes is implied. I think that just needs you finding a comfortable spot to work that good narration and tiying it all, because while im pointing out negatives, i quite liked it!
TLDR: try and "move" the scenes, you dont need specific details but you should iron some minor ideas (if its a western city but a japanese meal...where's anon from? it feels weird!) and keep grinding, this has a lot of potential
Also a good excuse to post gyaru bae
