Well, at least it's working now.
It's going to be way longer than I thought, unless you think it should play back faster.
It's already playing at 9000% (90x) here, and it doesn't look like Premiere lets me set it any higher than 20,000%
Might technically be able to go 12x higher by changing the frame rate in the source file from 5 FPS to 60 FPS, which should allow up to 2400x if my computer doesn't explode.
https://litter.catbox.moe/xkz88u.mp4 