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depressing wall of text incoming
guys I am losing my fucking mind thinking about how lily and goki play games and vc together. she always brings up her "friend" on stream and how they make her laugh by doing weird sounds or by saying words in a funny way. sometimes I regret ever finding lily because of it, not because im jealous they're "friends" but more so because i want what they have for myself. it wouldve been fine if she never brought up stuff he does that makes her laugh, i wouldve been good in the blissful ignorance of it all. but she just loves him so much she just cant help but read every chat he says, watch every stream he does and play every game he recommends. but god since im so goddamn lonely these days after a close friend took his life years ago, my current friends are too busy working to even put up with me anymore, i just want that sort of relationship so bad. doesnt even have to be romantic, just a good friend to laugh and do stuff with. but it wont ever happen because im so unlikable, such a major fuckup.
but despite me regretting finding her, i still want to watch her streams because she is the only streamer whose humor appeals to me. the only reason i ever smile these days is because she's witty, makes funny noises, is very smart, has based interests and shes cute. im just so conflicted i dont know what i wanna do with myself. im a stupid neet dropout with no real friends that lives off his dad, i got health problems that prevent me from getting jobs, i dont have a way to get back into school, and i stay home all day killing my brain cells with weed and boring games because im such a fuckin loser. the only damn thing that lights up my day is a goddamn vtuber that panders to lolicons and peedophiles for christs sake. ugh its just enough to make me wanna give up and just end it.
anyway, sorry for the wall of text you guys, i have no other way of venting this out, no one ever listens to me anymore.
yeah yeah, schitzo this, take your meds that, an hero, whatever.
i know im talking to a wall here, but if anyone took the time to read all that i appreciate it. even if it was super depressing.
you guys have been some decent folk.
