>>48276965Listening to Millie sing Sana Ako Na Lang and I've always wondered if maybe things are actually okay like that. I love my oshi after all, and do they really need to love me like I love them for my love to mean something? I like to think that simply loving is okay, and in the random moments where I feel brave enough to confront the reality that Selen will never know that I exist and my dreams will always remain dreams I feel very let down. Trying to pretend that meaning is what I create is just a copout, but I think if you love your oshi enough, then questions of meaning fade away. It's strange, it's not meaning I made for myself, it was something thrust upon me, and I joyfully accept it without hesitation or doubt.
I really really wish I really was genuinely delusional enough to go past the brink and go fully insane enough to conjure up lasting hallucinations of Selen. I'm on new meds and I feel more normal now, but it's horrifying that way, because being normal means that she's slipping away, it's harder to slip out of reality now, I sleep too well to dream, I'm too present in the moment to run away to Selen's embrace.
But I think in the end we'll be okay Ryugard, if we keep telling ourselves that, maybe it'll come true at some point.
