>>65128250If this is from the anon in the last thread who was feeling discouraged about their own writing, it's mostly unfounded. It's not bad by any means, the prose is serviceable for the piece. It could use a bit more flowering or different phrasing in some places for example:
when she considered the intrusive thought that she might push open her friend’s door and find the shark lying dead on the floor. - for example might flow better with something along the lines like: the thought burrowed into her brain that she would push the front door open only to find the shark's motionless body on the floorThe bit about the apartment doorman needing a government ID could use a little extra to explain to a reader why the hell that's a thing, and there's a lot of points in the fic with background info is given and such that could use 1-2 more lines to add more meat to it.
As for the content itself, I'll have to agree with another anon that this isn't really what I would call "dark". The potential of what Gura could do in her depressive spats or perhaps has done was more dark than the end conclusion. The relationship between her and ame did also feel stiff. I was also questioning why ame was the only one giving a fuck. I think the plot of this would benefit from a bit more buildup and perhaps more interaction between the two. Something like having Ame trace back prior conversations and slowly piece together what might have happened, and to help reach that dark tone you want, go into how Gura is fighting with her very nature and the mental and emotion conflict that comes with that. Your writer's potential is certainly there, so I'll be interested to see what else you can do.
