>>64539184Thats a good question and its fine, im open to discuss pretty much anything people would like to discuss. Its hard to really give you a proper answer to it, so im trying to put this the best way i can. I cant even tell you myself how my brain perceives it. I mean, im fully aware people mean it well and that they mean it when they say it and all that and i appereciate it and the fact that people still tried to help with it despite me being the way i am, but i think im stuck too deep into in my low self esteem/my pretty much non existent self worth (also the self doubt and self hatred play another part in it) to really believe people CAN actually like me most of the time despite of what they are saying. I feel like im fucking broken in that regard and i hate that about myself as well.
Im not saying i cant be fixed, its pretty hard to get to the point where you cant be fixed, but right now i feel pretty much stuck in that mindset due to how things went in my childhood. The constant stress from living in this apartment and the depression and whatnot dont really help eihter. I mean, i keep saying i need to move, to get rid of the constant stressor that is my current apartment and then find a proper therapist to work on it properly and depression/anxiety meds should probably help a lot as well. Hell, just moving from this shit place will improve my mood by at least 80%. I mean im fully aware i know how to put my feelings and thoughts properly, which should help with therapy as well.
The thing is moving isnt exactly going anywhere despite my efforts trying to find a place, so yeah im just tired of everything lately, my brain, my apartment and all that crap and it seems like it can never get better. I didnt exactly give up yet despite it probably sounding like that from what i said lately. I mean, the fact i still get my chores done, exercise for 40 mins a day, take proper care of my cats and keep my apartment clean despite feeling the way i am lately should probably be prove enough. I guess i want to just give up, but i cant give up just yet despite how much effort and energy it takes from me to keep going.
Alright this got way longer then intended again and i edited this text like 50 times, but i guess that should answer your question and give a better understanding of how things are in my case lately. I didnt give up yet, but god i wish i would just do so already just to be free of the stress.
