>>27674132Just got home a little bit ago and gave it a read. It's funny, I'm the opposite of you-- I have no problem with creative writing, but I struggle with academic writing because I'm so used to writing all "flowery" for my fics that I end up using wayyyy more words than necessary in academic essays. Anywho, I don't have much context since I haven't read the chapters prior to this so apologies if any of my tips are things you already covered in previous chapters I haven't read yet. One thing I thought of was if you could provide examples-- for instance:
>Pomerlane explained to her that he really did feel betrayed by everyone around him>It was then that Emylia revealed that this whole time she had, indeed, been trying her hardest to pull strings behind the scenes for his causeIt could definitely enrich the story if you provided examples when discussing a character's feelings. When Pomerlane mentions feeling betrayed, why is that? Did something happen to him that would lead him to feeling suspicious of other people? Could you reference an event that happened in a previous chapter and use it as a catalyst? Feelings generally don't just come out of nowhere, so I think it would definitely enrich both the character and his dynamic with Emylia if you sort of ground his betrayal in something. Same goes for Emylia, if you maybe offer a snippet of one of her letters to the King and Magnus, that could help emphasize what she's done to help Pomerlane.
Another general tip is to paragraph break whenever someone new speaks. Not so much a dialogue tip as it is just a formatting one, of course. This should be split into two paragraphs since two different people are talking: >The courier knocks on the door and opens it quickly, immediately regretted his decision. "M-My M-My Apologies..." and shuts the door. Pomerlane shouts at him "Never mind us, you clearly have important news and I need to hear it. Is Quedlinburg here?"
One of my personal favorite tips is reading dialogue out loud to yourself! It can help you realize that maybe something flows a little awkwardly or just doesn't sound... right. Think about how you speak, about how friends and family speak, or how anyone around you speaks-- casual speech and written speech often sound different because most people just don't talk the way they write and vice versa (case in point, academic essays) so if you read a character's dialogue aloud to yourself to determine how natural they sound, that can help enrich it. Personally I thought this dialogue was phrased in a kinda clunky way when I read it out loud to myself: >"How confident are you in them on the field?"
Really great work otherwise! I'm always really happy to see how other people write and pick up little intricacies from them.
