>>73109695As a concise story with the proper rise and fall beats, this seems like an improvement. Your style is taking some steps in the right direction, I would try to make a habit of reading your lines and seeing if another word might fit more than another. You seem to be toeing the line between a satisfactory amount of flowery, and factual similes. I think you are on a track for self-improvement like you set out for, so I would say your next step is to continue putting it into practice.
For the content itself since I'm aware enough of the context
I'm convinced at this point becoming a spear means your blood consists of 99% dumb bitch juice. What a silly little group of dummies. 