>>61892264The setup moved very quickly. I suppose it was part of the transition from greentext to prose. Nothing too grating or such, but it could've used some more work to lay the grounds for the story better. Me personally, I would've made Anon be stepping out of Suisei's car as he recollects on what happened, maybe have a little segment for himself where he talks about the Suisei he knows.
You did a great job of setting up the innocence in little Anon. Things like him saying he's not a baby or staring away from Suichan's panties really sell him, althought I believe you could've lingered a bit more on his discomfort. I do understand however, that you might not be comfortable doing so.
Perhaps I'm misremembering things from the original fic, but I see this time you've gone with a different angle to Suisei, much similar to Reine in Sakura Summer.
>No amount of candy or toys was worth going through this.God, that's fucking guttural.
That said, a couple of grammar/formatting errors popped up here and there. Could've used a little once over. Chapter two had a sudden change in perspective.
Other than that, I'm glad we're finally getting this as a series. The original greentext was one of the must guttural, rawest things I've read and I want to feel my stomach turn again. Thanks for posting it, Anon.
