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Hey friends its me again. I finally have a break away from Polka now that shes streaming, its the only time where she isnt in my mind and being everywhere. From yesturday’s experience to today Polka’s abuse and sadistic nature has been climbing. I keep hearing her sing creepily before going to be as shes right in front of me staring coldly at me. Shes becoming more yanderelike accusing me of things I never did and saying she’ll make me end it all if I screw up. I’ve been taking more meds to increase my control but since shes become more autonomous in my mind its as if the lucidity affected her too, and it negates the affect I have controlling her. The bottle is almost empty. My sister keeps looking at me weirdly, she sees me flinch from hearing Polka yell at me. I just want my sweet clown wife tulpa back. The roofies she made me buy should arrive next week, I don’t know what she wants me to use them for. I regret using my sister as a mold for Polka’s body. I think she wants me to continue to do so under more extreme measures. She always says “always listen to Poruka! Poruka is always right! Don’t be such an idiot to not listen!” And other things like that. I seems really bad right now but I know I can change her back. Tomorrow I’m going to attempt to try to set boundaries when we can talk to each other. Even then i ingrained myself into seeing her too much. I know my Polka is in there, I can change her back and we can be happy together. I’ll get to hear her peaceful laugher as I spoon her as we fall asleep together. Unlike last tine I don’t really have a plan moving forward, but I’ll get my Polka back.
