>>77962174first of all, I love your dedication to rewriting this fic. I've always been a sucker for power fantasies and post-apocalypse stuff, and I can tell it's already tons more fleshed out than the old rendition (even though it's been a while since I read that).
I'm also thoroughly enjoying the story - all the interaction ITT puts to show that writing truly is a journey and improvements can be made. It's also nice to see you've been around ever since Golden Duck - pretty sure that was one of the first fics after the thread transitioned from "chuubas being abusive" to /wg/ proper.
Since you say that feedback helped you improve, I want to offer my two cents on Holocalypse as well.
First of all, Amelia. Other's have said it already, but she's great. And I say that as someone who doesn't care for the "real" Amelia at all. As for why, I'd have to guess that much comes down to the synergy between Anon and her being somewhat similar to the one in Our Cures. There's banter (which you excel at), there's tension, flaws in both characters and a kinda climax (that you pussied out of -
"not enough energy"? Never have gayer words been written). She just feels really two-dimensional - in a good way. At least that's how it seems to me.
That brings me to Aqua and Botan. Well, banter doesn't really work when someone is as retarded as Aqua, but she's cute enough. It sometimes feels a little too "trope-y" with her, like you go out of your way to make her extra useless, but you don't have to take this as a complaint. That's her role, I get it.
Botan... doesn't really catch me so far. She seems like this really badass squad leader, but with the sweet-as-a-kitty side she only shows to you. My personal preference, but that's a little too crass of a split in personality for me. Yeah, (you) and her have history and I'm sure once that's revealed she'll turn more likeable, but so far it feels rather on the nose. Nevermind that having open sexual relations with your subordinates wouldn't work in the real world for shit.
It might have been better to keep the affection and happenings between (you) and her a bit more ambiguous instead of going full "remember that mission where you begged me to fuck your ass?" Just my opinion though.
The conflict in the bunker was good enough, seemed heavily inspired by Fallout 3. The reasons why
"you really, totally have to leave right now and Amelia definitely can't come with" felt a bit forced, but that's alright.
I was going to write that you could maybe keep an eye on how many supporting OCs you add, but that was before I realized
Rikka is actually a VTuber. My bad. This way, it's probably just the Kai-guy, maybe another guard I've already forgotten about.
I mean, if you need them to get the story going, be my guest, but the odd "Mark" or "Takeshi" usually work because they're over-the-top comic relief. Just don't expect anyone to give a shit about them when you add more in the future.
My last point would be dedicated to the main character. He is a LOT better and more likeable than in the old version but he still suffers from being this "hero in a bad guys pelt". Kind of like in those powertrip anime, where the main character totally is a bad guy and only ever does all those kind things because they miraculously fit his even bigger evil agenda.
(Your) way of reasoning just isn't very relatable, at least to me. Like, why does he hang onto Aqua despite his own absolute goal being revenge? Why does he fight off 20 guys to help Botan in one moment and then refuses to fight 20 more to recapture Albatross?
Maybe you do it on purpose, to keep (your) motives more shadowy, but I find it a bit irritating that I, the reader, get to hear some of the characters monologue and reasoning, while other parts are not explained at all.
That's it. I hope that didn't come off too harsh. Like I said, just my opinion. And I really love the story, don't be mistaken! Now, a few closing words to wrap things up:
>"Mark route when?" pairing Aqua with a nameless fag instead of him must be the biggest waste since that guy who used his bitcoin to buy a pizza. I'm still seething. >Miss Sakuraactually don't have any animosity towards that fic at all. Reread it a couple of times. Thought it was inoffensive enough. Smut could've been hotter. Probably would've been loads better if anon didn't insist on calling Migo "Miss Sakura" until the very end, though. 