>>57472923So the first few sections could use another pass at proofreading I think.
>to find that the god’s he bestowed upon Ciyana’s daughter a golden gavel. Reads a bit awkwardly, I think you were going for "to find that the gods had bestowed upon Civana's daughter a golden gavel"
Scene transition overall was a little less jarring this time around, the next section with the beast however, the reader is given almost no mental image for what this thing even looks like besides that it might be a quadruped. With fantasy settings and creatures, the writer needs to have strong descriptors to put the image of something that doesn't normally exist to us in our heads.
While I'm glad Polka is getting some sort of explanation and closure around her previous behavior, the scene itself had me scratching my head a little towards the end.
The pure 180 in behavior on Iroha's part just doesn't make sense. She is trying to play a part here and the change in mood is a little too heavy handed. If Iroha planned this encounter, how come her cover story was so bad? Her immediate confrontational reaction to Polka's questions was also extremely off putting considering the role Iroha is trying to play here. There should also be a line to show the scene transition from the previous castle scene to out in the forest.
The final argument was ok, I know why it's happening, but Botan's approach seems a little out of place. Given her age, what she's seen, what she's done, why is she storming off like a teenager on her period who just got told she can't go out on friday night? It seems not entirely like her to not give someone the chance to prove her wrong.
The loophole found is an interesting take at least. The overall core of the plotline promises to have some meat to it and exercise a few clever concepts.
