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Not gonna get into whole backstory but the past week has just been a conga line of kicks to the dick. Nimi herself getting married doesn't bother me, not a napling. It's just reminded me how fucking alone I am. A lot of people I
34, not a khv but I've been basically single my entire life because getting a gf/partner just seems like it's inviting disaster and I've been a front row witness to people I care about getting ruined by breakups and fights and mistrust and just awful shit that's had people in tears. How could any of this seem like a good idea? I just cannot trust people to get that close.
What do you MEAN my heart has to break a few times before it knows how to truly bear? What do you MEAN I have to suffer before I can love? I try not to demoralise myself but literally everything I hear about people's lives, the world around me and the future ahead just sounds like misery. I don't have any "it is what it is" left in me. I fucking hate it bro I wanna do better but the world offers no incentive. I just worked the entire weekend and it was incredibly busy, we as a team busted our asses then we do a 12 hour shift monday and the boss puts us all up for a performance review and thinks we're doing a shit job, but I keep getting ghosted from my other applications and no one wants to hire a single guy in his 30s.
I'm so sick of all my years of hard work and perserverance and looking on the bright side amounting to sweet fuck all. I hate this trauma I've inherited from my childhood, I hate my mistrust of people getting too close, I just fucking hate it bro I can't just "lock in" I can't keep burying my head in the sand and pretend everything'll be alright if I just try harder all it does is tire me out more. I'm so fucking tired. I'm so fucking tired.
