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Op you are on the edge of change a moment of realization you dont respect yourself so of course your time is being wasted. You just need to live like a normie for a little to unfuck your brain gym socializing with the normies too .
Parasocial relationship are such a depressing concept when half of the community doesnt realize what they are doing is just falling deep into delusions. Break the cycle OP you know its wrong so live like a human again