>>64088087I think this could benefit from another pass of proofreading and edits. Some of the lines come off as very stiff and have some grammar issues. For example:
Botan and Fubuki looked so peaceful and she felt some part of her die as she gazed upon it. - "It" should be "them" in this context, since she's looking at the two of them which is causing her despair.another minor grammatical thing
“You’re… you follow Ina’nis? Isn’t that… evil?” - It would flow better to imply that Ina'nis is evil and not simply the act of being of a follower of her, since she herself is the subject of the conversation there and afterward.For the content itself, it's moving right along. I'm honestly more interested in what Watame and Mio get up to over Botan at the moment. I have a feeling that you might try to paint some experiences within Botan's past that helps shape who she is when Balsa starts, but when that seems to entail a lot of life kicking her in the snatch at every turn, I'm more interested in what my sheep is gonna get up to and how she will do nothing wrong.
