>>89955691Hm. You've got some awkward sentences in there where you're explaining the world building and at least one case of poor capitalization that stood out to me. Definitely could use an editing pass.
What stood out the most to me though is you have these long sentences especially in the beginning where you're trying to cram in so much detail when you'd be much better served splitting the descriptions of things and actions up into separate sentences.
Conversely the portion where you drop all the descriptions to go pure dialogue feels imbalanced with the rest of the fic.
All in all I'd recommend writing a rough draft where you state the world building plainly at the start, then going through the stages of how you want the story to play out, then afterwards you can rearrange things with the cold opening and the world building inbetween if you feel it reads better that way.
>>89956102okay, you're next
