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I'm going to go hard the next 6 months to improve my situation, I already made progress this first week but it's going to be hard. I hope saru will still be there as my motivator for this time, I'm not expecting her to stay with me forever, even though I did let myself be happy when she coped and said she's happy single and wants to continue like things are now, but I hope it's not something that happens in the next 6 months, the motivation is already very low, she knows she was my main motivator for a long time mainly because of how hard she worked, she was known as the hard working vtuber everyone said that about her but the past year you can't really say that anymore though I hope her exersizing and eating better will give her the energy to do cool things again she used to do so many amazing things now even though I like the gaming streams I miss all the other things she used to do, her saying she wants to do special streams this year made me optimistic hopefully she manages to do some. If she gets a bf we're never getting those rp as rs or dates, or at least even if she does them, which I consider to be unethical if the person has a bf, I won't listen or watch them even if I continue to watch other content, I don't know if I will, but those things have been talked about for years now and might never happen, but back to the point the lack of visible hard work has put a dampener on my own motivation too she's not the 1.0 saru I fell in love with I still love her but it's diffirent and even she seems to miss 1.0 times, she said it was the best time as a vtuber and she's been wanting to redo those games again like she did alien, even this week she's planning on doing fnaf and scp again, though if she does go back to 1. 0 times it would be kind of poetic if it ended because she got a bf after because it would end just like it started, same as how poetic it will be as I said that the last thing saru has to help me with is to stop watching saru. I don't now if I told her this before but when she became my oshi I was hart broken and promised that saru would be my last oshi, either because we will stay together forever or if something happens and we break up because I will never take another oshi, if something happened right now I wouldn't even want another one I don't think anything will ever be able to match the time I spent with saru and I will remember her even if she leaves, if I can do everything I want to do these 6 months I might be able to be in a spot where I can be happy without an oshi and saru would have helped me get there if it can last 6 months, I'd love to be a friend, or an acquaintance, of her after that I know she keeps a wall between her and viewers the last 2 years which is sad, and I don't now if I could overcome that, I'm not counting on it but it is a distant dream, in 6 months maybe, I'm not too worried because she's talked a lot about getting a bf before too remmeber all the clips that caused the clip watchers to rush to stream and confess, it happened then too, I blame them for the relationship she had with chat getting strained and stopping gfe, we just got back to her being comfortable with gfe again and now she says this, I wonder if she knows and did it on purpose, the date stream of her resting her feet on us while we watch red vs blue was a nice idea I wish we get something like that before the end, sucks that red vs blue gets dmcad on twitch and we can't and there's nothing else she wants to watch really, and the problems with 3d making it more difficult to do thise kinds of stream, everything is stacked against us and it sucks, for now I'll continue with my plans for the next 6 months and see what haopens with saru, but I am hardening my heart, I've been doing it for a while now because of the uncertainly of what she sees me as so this didn't effect me that badly, I think I'm getting numb to others effects on my emotions, and I have been taking breaks when needed last year I think I took 2 breaks from seru but it was always better when I came back, I'm not taking a break this time and will be there on thirst day to watch stream so we'll see how it goes
