>>99123341If you allow me to offer some advice i think there's two slight problems with it
>There's no hookI feel like Anon here is too nice. I dont mean he should be meaner,but it does feel he's just doing it because he's just that swell of a guy and there's nothing to give the story some justification for scenes to happen. Id say that something like "Lui and the girls are staying in the motel across the street" could be a bit more natural and help them to know each other without the slight reach of "this guy is just so nice and lets them come to the beach"
id say a slight fix is "Anon meets them at the beach, they get introduced and he reveals its his property,but who cares just enjoy the beach" or something like that. As it is, characters are too railroaded into following the story rather than things happening
>Checking one too many boxesIts a chunky WIP as it is. It introduces Anon, the bar, the staff, his life, Lui, the girls, their deal and its a bit bloated. Feels like you are checking the boxes now so you can get it done and move on. You could simplify this as Lui says she has daughters...that they are a lot but she loves them despite their quirks...then you meet them and as you interact with them these quirks become more apparent.
Aside from that, i like the idea a lot. You SHOULD date single mothers, its based
