>>10141329so i got around to reading this and elected to start at chapter 1.
it's hot as fuck. every line is linked back to sex somehow - some may consider this a detraction, but i salute how much of a pervert you are. furthermore, choco's sultry nature was not lost in transition to fanfiction; in particular, all lines that describe chocosen whispering in or close to your ear are UNBELIEVABLY HOT.
i got through chapter 1 and 2, edging all the while, then shot entire coils of rope, my dude.
i do have one main criticism; the love aspect. it's really fucking bad. choco catches him wanking, suggests they should love each other for great sex while giving him a handjob, and then anon's head over heels. by the end of chapter 2, choco is too. this is among the most brute-forced, inorganic romances i've ever read, with little to no build-up. this isn't necessarily a dealbreaker, but unfortunately it's mentioned almost every other line in chapter 2, and every single time i read it, immersion takes another bullet between the eyes. it really impacted enjoyment.
i would have either introduced them as being in a relationship from the start, or built it up, with chocosen noticing physical compatibility in the first chapter, seriously considering a relationship in the second while anon notices his thoughts being consumed by the horned-and-horny succubus, and the reveal on the third. that's still really quick, but it would be better.
the only other criticism i have is that at times it's hard to follow, as a lot can happen in a single paragraph, but there's nothing i can reliably point at and say "i don't like this."
please don't take this negatively. as i said, i wringed my balls dry to this fic and you can bet your ass i'll be reading ch3 and 4 another day. it was very satisfying, anon. thank you for the read!
