I haven’t stopped drinking since the asmr. Menace would really hate me for the things I do to myself and the way I think about myself. I don’t deserve the nice words she says to me, but i enjoy them anyway because I’m disgusting. I want to repay her by doing stuff for her, but I can’t edit, I can’t draw, I’m too inept to reach out for art commissions. All I can do is throw money at her in donations but the gesture feels so hollow. A part of me also secretly wants the attentions from doing those previously mentioned actions, so I stop myself because it should be for the love of her, not to feed that disgusting craving for her attention. I didn’t expect to stay up until past 5am. I hope I die in my sleep.
