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I know anon, I know. Her voice is godsent too, because I only need 2 or 3 minutes before I get this pressing feeling in my colon. I think it might be love, but I'm fairly sure it's just fecal urgency.
You see, this is the thing, I used to be extremely constipated all the time. I'd be able to shit with a lot of effort like once a week, and on a good week maybe twice. But then her debut came along, and I heard her angelic voice say sweet nothings into my ear, and my gut just started gurgling. A veritable vortex of shit occurring right at the end of the illeum, churning its way through the ascending colon as if defying the laws of gravity in an ultimate fuck you to sir Isaac Newton. Once the cramps start in the right hepatic flexure, anon, I need to run to the nearest toilet because there will be no stopping it.
My anus becomes like a jet engine, blasting through the day's accumulated farts and stool in a swift ear deafening evacuation, staining my porcelain throne in fecal matter.
I've taken to nicknaming her "shitbird", a somewhat more catchy nickname than "fecalfowl" and she's become my regular goto when I get this feeling of constipation again. I was seriously concerned when she moved back to Austria, since I've become so used to taking shits on a regular basis now. If something were to happen to her, I'll be constipated again with no more sweet release.
It's my hope that one day I get to meet her in person. I'll need to make the correct dietary arrangements, lots of beans and onions, a few leeks to add to the aroma, a bunch of ripened cheese, and maybe some cabbage and whole grain bread, and perhaps if I'm feeling very extravagant a few artichokes. With my duodenum still working on the last bits of the eclectic meal I'll approach here and say "Hey, aren't you that girl from youtube, you know, the chicken?"
She of course, will deny it fervently, but she'll use her voice to do so and in such stimulate my colon to do its thing. I'll grab her hand and say to her "I just want to thank you for how much you've improved my life, it's really been rough for me the last few years, but thanks to you everything has become much better". She might try to escape, or might be inquisitive as to how she's improved my life, it doesn't really matter, because at this point the rumbling of my gut will be audible to every man, woman and child in a 2km radius.
This is when it will happen, my anus will stop constricting, and a deafening bang will erupt shredding eardrums of bystanders as fecal matter will be expelled from my rectum in hectoliters per second. The sheer force of the blast will wipe out a small Austrian village, and propel us both into a parabolic course across Austria. A minute later we'll be in the stratosphere, and she might either be screaming in resistance what to bystanders might appear as an abduction, or she might have passed out from the extreme G-forces being applied to her.
In the end where we'll end up will depend solely on how well I've mastered control of my sphincter. With the right amount of lateral thrust we'll both end up back in Japan, spraying the entire eurasian continent with fecal matter, doubly spraying China as we begin our deceleration maneuver, probably burying Tokyo in a pile of manure as we attempt a safe landing. However, if I manage to control my rectum to the extent that we have both enough vertical and lateral thrust I could achieve a stable orbit so that my appreciation for her could be observed with a telescope for eternity, or at least until the earth reclaims us by exerting its gravity upon us.
It'll be the revolution of the civilian space race we've all been waiting for. People will look to Elon Musk and he'll be dumping money into vtubers and canned beans, and a new economy will arise while NASA and ESA engineers will study the phenomenon for decades. A new era of science will dawn, and humanity will prosper as a species among the stars, all because of a humble vtubers sweet voice.
Gentlemen and women of 4chan, you know this must happen. It's for the good of all mankind that I will sacrifice myself. To quote Louis Armstrong "one small toot for man, one giant shit for mankind", and while I may be tooting my own horn here, you all know that mankind cannot survive lest we take this necessary step.
I urge you, no, I call upon you, help me reach out to Kiara, and I will make this miracle happen. It's for the next technological revolution of mankind, the next evolutionary step in mankind, and the last hope for bean farmers!
