>>11238576>>11239264I have to accept that I'm the fucking retard here if more than one person thinks so. Maybe I'm just too dogshit at writing, but I'll keep trying. I'mma rewrite the chapter entirely to fix some of the issues, I won't take down the link, but I'll probably post it again once I'm done fixing it.
My intention for Calli talking like a sliiy goober in the beginning is how I think a less mature Calli would be like when she's nervous and trying to project herself more prominently. Maybe that's too much a leap in logic to pass off to the readers though only dialogue, maybe it's stretching the concept too far. I'm not sure. It's not my goal to write the chuubas realistically as they are on stream, but if their personality isn't believable, then my writing isn't good enough yet.
Is Calli better in the second half? Let me know. Because that's my view of her normal personality from here on out. If that's also too extreme then I'll have to rethink her character.
As for (you) being not very mature, that's kinda what I'm going for. None of the 'cool' lines are genuinely trying to convey what a bad ass (you) are, they're meant to be (you) being self aware about the situation and commenting on it. Again, maybe that intent isn't very obvious in the text. Maybe I'll make it more obvious that (you)r thoughts are sarcastic. I don't think that because (you) are older that (you) can't be entertaining or entertained. This will be a factor in the future if I ever get there. Overall, I want (you) to be a pretty relaxed dude who is good-hearted in nature, it's why (you) trust Pekora and Calli pretty fast. I don't want to straight up spell out that is who (you) are, I just gotta write better so that's more apparent.
Calli being a streamer is a plot point, I could've made her day job anything, but I thought it's the most fitting. I'm not sure what tone the story comes off as, but it's not meant to be that serious. I always try to have jokes in the narration and dialogue to indicate that, but maybe again it's me being blind to the issues.
Ironically, the Discord thing is meant to show (you)r age. Because while (you) immediately recognize what a Discord username looks like when Pekora gave hers, (you) don't think it's a good way of doing business talk. It's not suppose to be a time period thing, just like IRL when people use Zoom for meeting despite Discord have better infrastructure.
Sorry for having such a long response. I don't want to come off as me countering every criticism made against me. I just want to explain what my thought process are when writing, so that if you guys see a flaw in my logic you can tell me. It's really fucking late now, I'mma work on the rewrite tomorrow mostly to fix the Calli personality issue and the narration not being very indicitive of my intention. If you guys or anyone sees anything wrong with what I said in this post and my story, please let me know. I want my story to be good enough that people in the thread talk about it even when there isn't an update, this motivated me to improve.
