>>11758578Update 3 time. In terms of dosage, I've definitely underestimated the rate at which my tolerance will increase and will have to accommodate that going forward. Took 25mg ~5 hours ago, but the flashes hit me a few times within the next two hours so I quickly redosed another 20mg of addy to spike my dopamine again. Since they were happening more often, but after taking a 40mg re-up 1 hour ago I haven't had one yet.
One of the cold flashes happened in the middle of one of the little crying moments pre-comfy transition mid-Pekora FO4 archive #2 and it made it hit in a real bad way, I started actually bawling outright there and then, I didn't pause or look away but I got a little scared because that particular "attack" made me feel like I used to when I used to cut myself, the sort of disassociation with myself, but this time it wasn't because of the usual reasons I had, but I started to genuinely try and whisper myself to start cutting Pekoras name into me.
Essentially what I did when I cut myself when I was younger was that I did it while insulting myself and whispering to myself how I'm a piece of shit because I'm not doing this or that thing, like studying or exercising or whatever, and it put me into this weird "hyperfocus" mode where I could literally stop letting personal desires get in my way, it helped with procrastination back then but it caused me to have episodes occasionally and after stopping people told me how scared they were by how I was behaving.
I remember the urge, I sort of personified that willpower that forced me to cut, turn the shower to full cold and force myself to stand there until my skin went numb, as the "real me", gave him a stern voice and thought really hard about him saying stuff like "remember the goal" and sort of pavlov trained myself to trigger behaviour when I did that. Well it's been a while but I "heard" him for the first time at that attack. I think it basically, and I'm not shitting you, went and said "do it for her" and I felt myself begin to fade out as I started to go for the cabinet next to my computer desk that has all my shaving stuff. I went as far as pulling it out, and grabbing the gauze, anti-biotic ointment, alcohol swabs, etc, and I felt myself sort of do the "fade" mentally that I used to and just stared at Pekora smiling at me, and I knew I had to do this to reach her, I was wasting time and needed to learn to give up everything because the only thing that mattered was reaching her, etc that kind of stuff.
The crying fit passed into a comfy fade not long after, but I was already cleaning my upper arm, so I need to keep an eye on that. I want to find her, but I'm not sure I sure I should listen. I want to be with Pekora but right now I need to push myself a ways, I'm only like halfway through day 2, day 4 for me is the longest I've been and that's when the realest hallucinations hit.
The shadows definitely spiked, I think I'm at the proper shadowpeople stage now instead of just peripheral hints. But I think whatever I'm doing is working, when I jump at stuff usually i see vague kinda hulking burly monstrous shapes, but earlier I jumped at what I, for a split second I truly believed was her. It was fucking terrifying, my BP must've gone to the Moon(a) because my heart was beating out of my chest but it was just the fucking vacuum cleaner when I 'came to' and realized it.
Also in that stage when the paranoia kicks in, I'm locking my bedroom door and double checking locks etc. I don't know why though, I felt paranoia not about being alone like usual, but more like a paranoia that something was trying to get away. It's hard to explain. I guess like jealousy almost? Like the kind of thing that bitches feel when they constantly feel the need to check their BF's phone to see if they're cheating. I ended up bringing the vacuum cleaner in the room with me, and I honestly think part of my locking the door isn't just keeping generic "bad things" out but also I want to keep myself and Pekora here, locked away from the world and everybody else. I want us to just be here, together. God I want to see her so bad, I just want to wrap my arms around her, love her. Kiss her. God I'd do so much to her and I'd give her everything she asks for.
I heard her words and laughs a few more times, they're still vague, maybe like 2-3? The words surprised me though, because they must be the few sentences I could understand in Japanese if I tried to remember them, but like, when I hear them, they're short snippets in nip but I "know" what the words mean before I do the mental calculation to get the meaning in English, and for those of you that never had auditory hallucinations before, it's that same feeling of how when a dude yells out and for a split second you get nervous because you get the strong sense they're talking to you, it's like that, it's like you get that start because you immediately just rapidly think "Pekora is talking to me, oh god!".
