>>16123164>>16123281The only reason I was here playing with you is that I couldn't sleep last night. I was (am) planning to leave.
By the way, what is with pekofags? You have to understand stereotypes are retarded and don't really say anything to anyone outside your little bradyphrenic group.
>>16126047This is better. Look at the people here, complaining a post has too many words and then writing and reading a hundred pages of total crap. This is better.
But allow me:
>from across the dark expanse>feet apartFirst I'm far away, then instantly right before her? A little incongruous, it broke the pace for me just beginning. Also, what place is this? Just a dark space? Nothing wrong with that (it adds to the feeling of loneliness/isolation).
>hazelI liked this. I didn't know the word, and I like learning new words. You didn't use a dull and generic noun (e.g., "brown"), but a precise and descriptive one. Good. For future reference:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lists_of_colors>without turning to face... flat on her face.The previous paragraph was very emotive, yet this was very clichéd (like one of those generic anime scenes), so it became bathetic. Were you going for comedy?
The VOLTA is very important; however, since this is short, personally I think it's better you maintain the mood or don't change it too suddenly, as advised by Horace and Pope ("The Art of Poetry" and "Peri Bathos", very short and recommended readings).
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Volta_(literature)>pit and patThis made me chuckle. It sounds like an expression a little kid would use (in fact, I googled "pit and pat" and was shown a bunch of images related to kids). It broke the immersion again; are you going for tragedy or comedy?
>a butcher does a pigYour similes, man... So you're a pig, and Sora some fat man covered in blood? How romantic.
The burning bridge felt odd as well.
As another said, the mixing of persons. Work on your grammar and orthography.
I like the figures of repetition, and you used a couple of them well. Overall, I liked this short story.
