It's ok to like GFE. It's ok to pay for affection. It's ok to hate when your oshi brings in drama from leeches who just want to steal viewers. To feel uncomfortable when your oshi collabs with males. To want your oshi's content to stay the same, so you can have the same type of experience again and again, with the person who makes you feel good, even though you know she's probably just playing up her positivity to get more popular.

I'll be honest, my life's not perfect. Whose is? I've become cynical after years of living a fairly average life, by weeb standards at least. The solution for me is to expect less and enjoy more. We all have reasons we don't feel like we fit in sometimes. I also understand that my life is short. That's why I enjoy GFE. I can forget the boring dull world for a while, and enter a fantasy, and enjoy feeling loved.

Do you ever wonder why people get married? It's to have kids, right? What about people who don't want kids? Do they just want someone to spend time with so they don't die alone? Or maybe they just want someone to come home to after work so they can see a smiling face, or any face. People get married because they are afraid of being alone, and they're lonely. That's totally fine. I just think it's a bit optimistic, and I admire optimists, but it's too optimistic for me to think that if I choose my soulmate I'm going to be with her forever, somehow. Life is too long for that. If you don't get super lucky, even someone who doesn't regret choosing you over another person won't be with you forever, even if they want to be. "Forever love," it's just another fantasy to me.

Maybe I've been close to too many people who died young, and it changed the way I think about time and relationships. Even without all the bullshit thinking "will I ever measure up, did she just settle, aM I HeR NuMbA WaN FaNtAsY?" which no one can ever fulfill, there's still a chance something terrible happens, or she doesn't take care of herself, or I don't, or one of us says something that cuts to the bone, something unforgivable no matter how much the other person tries to show their affection, it's just too much to process. The relationship was never supposed to last, this is not a fictional fairy land where everything always magically works out and both people are compatible and perfect. How rare is that?

That's why I chose to accept my fate. I know I will die alone. Even if I have a family, odds are I will die in a nursing home while my kids are at work. I am an introvert and I can enjoy being by myself. Sometimes I want a girlfriend, sometimes I actually get one. But I never expect it to last more than a few months at most. People leave for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes they don't even want to.

If the person I'm dating mentions her boyfriend, it can bother me, but only because she's thinking of him and not spending her time with me. GFE VTubers are special because, even if they have boyfriends, they never talk about them. The experience of receiving love is purer this way. Why should I care if she has one or not? If she doesn't bring him up during the stream, and she's trying to make me happy, the present moment is the same either way. I know what I've chosen is a fleeting fantasy, but in the present moment that I'm experiencing, this fantasy becomes my reality. When the stream goes offline, I can go back to my life. It's close to what it would feel like if I was living with my ideal girlfriend, minus the sex. We would spend time together, we would devote all our attention to feeling loved, and then we would go to our separate rooms and work on our hobbies. Why should I care if she has an invisible boyfriend if he doesn't exist during our time together? For GFE VTubers with secret boyfriends, he is literally invisible to me, and he might as well be imaginary. I already know I can't have sex with her through the internet, it's not something I was expecting. I'll take the 5 hours happily. I can use the emotional boost.

Temporary relationships are the best thing in the world, especially if you both understand that one day, the relationship will end. Time becomes more precious, and I can enjoy myself more without worrying about what I should be doing or who I should be trying to get with. I've had the best times of my life with people I've only known for hours. People can be really cool like that.

It's the feeling of the present moment that counts. The awareness of the lived experience. The appreciation of life. VTubers have become like long-term short-term friends to me, however long that may last, and sometimes they make me feel loved. I'm willing to admit that I can love someone through the internet, even while competing for attention with hundreds or thousands of others. I'm blessed to be an introvert, because I don't need so much attention. The little I get is enough.