>>20689777You know, I didn't really care if it got a story or not as I really only wanted to share the image and get some discussion around it, and I usually have no intention on reading the stories that my prompts get precisely because of that reason, but I'll make an exception for you. I know right? Such a selfless hero. Keep in mind that I read a story with the sole intent of giving criticism, and my enjoyment of it comes later, if any. I do this because it's hard for me to feel emotion from writing, so I decide to try and help the writer instead.
I can see that you took this in the PekoMiko rrat direction. In my mind I was thinking more like why hasn't she streamed with Pekora for so long, and the answer would be Suisei, not rape. But it's certainly one way to go about it. Not really a problem.
I believe a story can sometimes do well by starting with dialogue, but it's usually best if the dialogue isn't related to the plot all too much because otherwise it feels forced. It can be hard to land this prose.
I think the fic might have worked more in a past tense, especially actions that have been happening for a while, like "she swept the dirty shrine absentmindedly", or "The sound of a coin bouncing inside the donation box pulled Miko back to reality", but that may just be me.
Your description of the rape is pretty good I'll give you props for that. Doesn't feel erotic, yet you described how aroused Miko was feeling just right.
The idiom "seen one in the flesh" doesn't really work for an object made out of cold hard steel.
How did Suisei get clothes in Miko's shrine after taking a bath? I feel like you could've expanded on that by either saying she kept clothes in her place which has its own implications, or by saying she got into Miko's clothes from her wardrobe, which would've allowed you to describe more of that. Scratch that I'm too inpatient. But I do feel like you could've expanded more on this topic. Not to mention that it should be cold given that it is raining, so plain shirt doesn't fit much, especially after a warm bath.
I can already see the foreshadowing with the police cars and it's pretty impressive if this goes where I think it's going.
The dialogue from the reaction falls a bit flat, but the reaction itself was decent. Also, her puking into the bag that held Pekora's held is pretty good. You could have easily taken this into a "what the hell did you do?" scenario where she tries to run off and call the police, because I think she's too accepting of her best friend being hacked to pieces. That could lead to Suisei capturing her and a mindbreak ending, but that's just what I'd do.
The "love you" falls pretty flat. Not gonna lie. I think if Miko didn't respond and was just broken it would've been better for what you did.
Overall, pretty decent. You got a good handle on describing the environment, but some parts of your dialogue could use more work. Or perhaps you just didn't think thoroughly about how someone should or would react in X situation. Or perhaps I'm just being too idealistic about realism again. Anyway, thanks for taking that prompt up.
