>>21904181>>21904250As someone who has read application materials for a pretty selective process before (specifically written essays and past experience, not reviewing media/art), here's some advice that you should feel free to discard.
0. Can barely hear this thing.
1. Try to frontload more, having a more immediate and present hook. Remove filler and filler words, and sentences like admitting that you will now be a little less focused and fill up the time don't serve any specific purpose (and honestly you end up saying some relevant things afterward anyway).
2. Streamline a bit more to craft a narrative. It shouldn't be some cringey college application-style "everything in my life has been leading up to applying to Harvard" or whatever, but it's not a bad thing to combine your strong points and stories, and try to make them as tangible as possible. Oftentimes I would see an application where they say they did X, Y, and Z but there's no context for how meaningful this is, and what they weight more or less in terms of their strengths.
3. Related to the above two points, your speaking style at times is inflected in a way that kind of draws out the main idea of what you're saying or about to say, and sounds unplanned. That's not a bad quality when speaking normally as you might on a stream, but a reviewer might not find that ideal in application materials.
4. Minimize generic statements. Unfortunately, this is hard to do since specific statements can often filter you. However, generic statements _will_ filter you (unless you have 100k followers or some external indicator of predetermined success that you can work off of).
Rereading, this sounds kind of harsh, but I guess I like the music and think what you submitted has potential.
Unfortunately, the sad reality is that for selective application processes, external indicators or personal connections end up mattering a lot. However, I definitely took people to interview stages who had that "spark" and it worked out. But what I'm talking about is definitely less selective than corpo vtubing.
