so ive been watching a certain vtuber recently and i really like her but i didnt want to be gachikoi, but i dont want to stop liking her so i just decided that her personality/traits would be what i would want to find in a partner

although it backfired and no matter how many times i tell that myself i just cant shake off *that* feeling and that those traits could only belong to one person (in other words, the person behind the character, and im not fucked up and obsessive to do unspeakable things), hell there could even be noone who would be like that, and that personality could only be fabricated for the sole purpose of entertainment; what then if that were true?

with her being a completely wonderful person she probably has a boyfriend and it just makes me feel shittier, id often think "whyd i have to be like this i want to be him"

and even if i could find someone like that i was scarred by something i did in my last relationship and now im scared to be close to women or just women in general, if i just watch her like usual again id just be remembered by everything and it makes me sick and i dont know what to do

at this point im confused whether i should watch her to cope until im ready to enter a relationship again or whatnot because of this

i dont wanna stop liking her, i dont want to stop watching her because of my own bullshit

help