>>24917177You start missing just chilling in the rain and being soaked and cold and miserable. That thing that used to be a fucking dogshit experience during training. The worst thing you had experienced so far. Then you wait for hours and waiting hours turns to waiting days and you feel bored. Then BAM, shit escalates and you're not sure what's even happening. You hear shots all over and you're just following your training almost like your brain has been turned off, just shooting at nothing. You can't see fucking shit, except the occasional cloud of smoke and muzzle flash. You advance and it's a bunch of dead dudes lying in the general direction your were shooting at.
It feels like it didn't even happen. Then as time goes on, you occasionally see pets eating their former owners, birds pecking the eyes of some dude. If shit hits the fan and nobody dies, you have a laugh at death for a moment. It doesn't even feel real. None of it does. You are soaked in your own sweat for weeks, but your dirty ass is just like having a second skin, almost like it's normal to be soaked in sweat. Sometimes nothing happens for days and your mind goes numb, sometimes you live hell on earth for 5 hours and it's like you're watching a movie through your own eyes and someone else is playing the part of you.
Your return, the normal life feels even less real. You feel like you're naked without your gun. Like you're experiencing something out of a nightmare. You wake up in terror to look for your gun, but you don't even own a gun. But you know you don't even need a gun. You feel like everyone around you is from a different planet. You feel like they are dumbasses complaining about stupid shit. You feel angry, although you know that it's unfair. Almost like you're getting angry at children for being ungrateful little fucks.
You go on tirades out of nowhere on an mongolian basketweaving forum. It just pops up like a feeling. You've learnt to keep it inside. But sometimes, you just want to let loose on the world. You think of your goody-two-shoe friends that never had problems with the law that are in jail. You don't wonder if they ran into this feeling. You know that it's the same for them.
