>>25945634Good job anon. I think both your grammar and structure are a lot better than in Pt.1. Only gripe I have with it content-wise is that it's kinda all over the place. It doesn't feel like there's a structure to it, like you're just grazing plot points without ever exploring them.
Example: You cook dinner. Dinner is good. There's a movie on the TV. The movie is good. Playing games is fun. Botan has a 3090. You think you're in love with Botan. You fall asleep. Suddenly, there's Lamy. Carbonara.I'm gonna call you Italianon from now on, because either you're that, or you just have a massive hard-on for Italian cuisine.
Don't take the criticism too hard though. It's a comfy read altogether and I look forward to where it's going. Like I said, it's a lot better than Pt.1 already, so Pt.3 surely will be even better.
>>25978606Alright, I really liked the setup - it set the mood real good. But after that, I share the sentiment with the other anons. The Characters are pretty garbage, to be frank. Anon is an edgy bipolar 16 y/o, and although I've never watched Hoshikawa, your description of her and the way she behaves doesn't match at all. "She's hot, outgoing, friendly and brought you a lot of customers yada yada - but she's a total slut, because reasons."
The smut was kind of run-of-the-mill, too. You could've explored the premise a lot more,
doing something with the ice cream spontaneously comes to mind - like, a lick here earns you a lick there or something. . This way, it was a pretty generic porn plot a la "stepbro what are you doing".
If you wrote all the other commissioned fics, this certainly isn't your best one. Maybe write something you're actually passionate about in-between? Well, at least you got payed.
