>>28976466there's a lot of problems with the form of your sentences; such as the tense and perspective shifting. but i really like the setup!
love me some mom-son hag stuffmy grammar is far from perfect, but remembering back to lit. classes over 20 years ago, you should start a new line whenever someone different is talking each bit of dialogue. though you can continue on the same line if they are talking again after some narration.
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"These are words", said the person, and then there are some descriptions. "I am speaking again." So i kept them on the same line.
"I'm a different person", said the other person, on a new line.
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WARNING, personal opinion - if i quickly rewrite the first bit, it'd come out like this, of course you need your own style (I use much less casual humour than you, the random inclusion of 'Trevor' did make me laugh), but maybe you'd get some ideas on sentence form, or rhythm.
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I was returning back home after a long day at the university, working hard to ensure I got the best grades to make Botan proud of me. Ever since I'd moved to Japan and met her, that had become my main motivation in life; make Botan proud. We'd been living together for about a year, I suppose you could describe the two of us as a 'couple. The thing is, I was 22, a university student, and still a virgin. Botan was... I could only speculate, but certainly much older than me. If anything, our relationship was more that of mother and son.
The house seemed quiet when I finally made it back. Usually I would hear Botan talking in her stream, or I'd find her cooking us a delicious meal in the kitchen. She was a great cook.
"I'm back", I announced. To my surprise, the only response was loud groans or growls, coming from upstairs. Nerves suddenly struck me, I stopped dead still and intently listened, trying to figure out those strange sounds. It was definitely her making them, it was Botan.
I rushed upstairs to see what was wrong, but then paused when I reached her door. The truth is, Botan had made me it very clear to me in the past - her room was off limits. She'd threatened to tear me apart the one time I'd intruded. It made perfect sense, of course. The sound of a man suddenly entering the room during a vtuber's stream, an idol, was a serious 'NG'. Her career would very likely be over.
The nerves made me sweat as my mind raced, unable to decide if I should open the door or not. The disturbing moans and groans from inside continued. I had to, I had to know if Botan was ok. The truth is, I cared deeply for her, she was practically like a mother to me. I couldn't imagine how much harder life in Japan would have been for me, without her. If there was any chance at all I could repay everything she'd done to help me, I had to take it. I breathed in deeply, and mustered up all my courage, and opened the door to her room.
The scene took me by surprise. Botan was face down on the bed, her face stuffed deeply in the pillows, legs erratically kicking up and down at her mattress. I stammered some form of apology for intruding, and called out to her.
"Shishiron? What's wrong?"
She turned sharply in surprise at my voice. I could only see half her face, but it was clearly flushed in deep red.
"Don't look at me! This is so embarrassing!" she growled, and buried her face back into the pillows. I'd never really seen her like this before, she was an incredibly cool and calm women. It was one of the things about her I admired so much.
"Please, is everything alright?" I tried again, my voice trembled with worry.
"Shut up, you idiot!" She screeched back, her voice muffled through the pillows.
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