[24 / 2 / 19]
I'm here because I'm lost, absolutely devastated.
I was hoping I could still go on watching her like nothing had changed but now I don't know. Her kayfabe has been broken and I can't suspend my disbelief anymore. Her inspirational song, Pippa the Ripper sounds so hollow now. When she said she'd tried to make it ironic I thought she'd failed but I guess I was wrong, she knocked it out of the park. I used to tear up at the second verse, as I related myself to her stuggles.
Her pleasant laugh has become grating, her cute tones sound calculated, the kind and wise words she gives chat are just pandering, the tears during her anniversary karaoke only make me bitter, the encouragement she gave after reading my kudoboard letter is nothing but patronizing. Sometimes while watching I can forget for a moment but afterwards I always end up remembering and it hurts. I look back at every word of encouragement I've typed for her and I can only think of them as wasted and foolish, she never needed them, least of all from from me, from any of us.
If this was a page it would be stained with tears and blood. I still love her. I felt excited every time she reads one of my messages and superchats. Her terrible singing makes me smile. The song she sang for us during her twitch stream still made my heart soar. I want to go back, I want to be a hopeless gosling again. Please just take me back to that Overwatch stream on Wednesday when I could pretend she loved us and needed us even a bit as much as I do her. Before I made that mistake of telling her to learn Traditional out of fears that I wanted to protect her from Kson’s fate.
Please, just let her say something, anything. I'll take any cope I can get. I will do anything. Let me go back to her streams being the highlight of my day. Please, let me go back to Pipkin being the substitute for my alcoholism and meds. Please, let me go back to when I can talk with her and relate with her menhera struggles. Please, let me go back to her being the shining star to light my way.
Please, Pipkin Pippa, my Kamioshi, my philosopher, my therapist, my Saviour, my love, my messiah, my friend, forgive me.
I was hoping I could still go on watching her like nothing had changed but now I don't know. Her kayfabe has been broken and I can't suspend my disbelief anymore. Her inspirational song, Pippa the Ripper sounds so hollow now. When she said she'd tried to make it ironic I thought she'd failed but I guess I was wrong, she knocked it out of the park. I used to tear up at the second verse, as I related myself to her stuggles.
Her pleasant laugh has become grating, her cute tones sound calculated, the kind and wise words she gives chat are just pandering, the tears during her anniversary karaoke only make me bitter, the encouragement she gave after reading my kudoboard letter is nothing but patronizing. Sometimes while watching I can forget for a moment but afterwards I always end up remembering and it hurts. I look back at every word of encouragement I've typed for her and I can only think of them as wasted and foolish, she never needed them, least of all from from me, from any of us.
If this was a page it would be stained with tears and blood. I still love her. I felt excited every time she reads one of my messages and superchats. Her terrible singing makes me smile. The song she sang for us during her twitch stream still made my heart soar. I want to go back, I want to be a hopeless gosling again. Please just take me back to that Overwatch stream on Wednesday when I could pretend she loved us and needed us even a bit as much as I do her. Before I made that mistake of telling her to learn Traditional out of fears that I wanted to protect her from Kson’s fate.
Please, just let her say something, anything. I'll take any cope I can get. I will do anything. Let me go back to her streams being the highlight of my day. Please, let me go back to Pipkin being the substitute for my alcoholism and meds. Please, let me go back to when I can talk with her and relate with her menhera struggles. Please, let me go back to her being the shining star to light my way.
Please, Pipkin Pippa, my Kamioshi, my philosopher, my therapist, my Saviour, my love, my messiah, my friend, forgive me.
