I need help

I discovered vtubers about a year ago and this board. In the past I was happy to just watch vtubers. But I am a degenerate with over 3 gb of hentai on my computer, most of it ryona and guro stuff and eventually I got really turned on by the idea of them being in pain. It just feels... more real since I know at the end of the day there is a real woman behind the screen.

I am a big fan of Ayame(9 month membership) because of her stupid retard act and also because I can't stop getting off on the idea of punishing her. I've genuinely even thought about finding asian escorts who sound like her who are willing to do hard BDSM play but even then I know it will not feel the same.

I imagine this scenario where I punish her for going on her dumb breaks breaks. Tying her up in my apartment as I slowly amputate her limps and a she screams. cauterizing her wounds and carefully sealing them so they are not infected, and turning her into a living onahole.

I thought of her using her quivering sweaty ampuated bruised torso being used over and over again makes me hard as a rock. I even have thoughts about making her try and stream in this state with me controlling the keyboard and having her desperately try to show to viewers that nothing is wrong. having her struggle to pretend that she is not just my toy and that she can still stream for the other nakirigumi

These thoughts have been in my head for a while now and I can't get rid of them. I've comissioned a few private pieces for myself depicting the scenario but the artists who drew them told me they never want me to ever post them online.

it's just not the same... I know it's dumb and stupid but does anybody have a solution to find some sort of outlet?