Before the streaming era of the internet, I was a content creator.
I had more subs than most chuubas here will ever have.
I had "fan mail", (I even had a "fujo" of sorts) but it was a very lonely existence anyway.
There was no actual community. It wasn't even a thing. Didn't make any money either, at first there were no ads and then I never bothered to turn them on.
I knew people in other countries talked about my content, my friends who lived there told me, but not like I was actually famous because I never used my own voice.
I think honestly given the circumstances if I ever got live I could had gotten around 100cc, which is not much I guess, but some of the people I used to watch from back then had the same sub range... yet I once wrote on my twitter account trying to reach ouch for small convo and had no replies.
Being internet friends with content creators wasn't really the norm back then I guess.
I think I could go back to making content. I think I would be decently successful, if only because I have some understanding of how to use the machine, but because of how this world is I would also have to isolate myself.
What I actually want is to be friends with the anime people on the screen. Sing together with them, play games with them, be cherished by them, and also, by (you)
But this is impossible. Success breeds jealousy. The chuuba is the wolf of chuuba. I would be prey of my own ambition and either I attract the schizos due to my rise or I boil in resentment due to my failures.
I would like to be loved for what I am but I would also understand I would have to wear an iron clad mask 24/7. 100% approval rating only comes at expense of your true self. You can be loved by the masses, as long as there is no "you" in the first place, just an empty jar where people will vert their impossible expectations and the second you disappoint them they will try to shatter it. I had been there before.
The thing that I really want, I will not find in the abyss. Yet the void calls all the same. Perhaps it never stopped calling. I am aware it is but a siren song. I will not take the chuuba pill. I will find what I want as I am now, or I wont find it at all.
Do not take the chuuba pill unless you have a bigger ambition than mine, else you will discover that you can only be friends with your equals, and at the mountain top, there can be no one but you.