>>396495https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D85284NRjzwIt's not so bad, but life used to be better.
I used to have a routine, y'know? Dolores would be around. She'd wanna go *out* on a Saturday. She'd wanna take the paper and go read it in the park. And now that Dolores isn't around, I could still do that but it's just... Sometimes it's hard to convince myself to go outside, so I decide to stay in. And it's not *bad*.
I have one of those recorders that records the channels on the t.v. so I can watch all my favorite shows and never have to worry about missing any of them, which is wonderful.
But, I can't lie and say I don't miss Dolores every once in a while. But it's mostly just the little things. Like when you're eating dinner and you look across the table and you expect your wife to be there, but then you remember that she's dead. That stuff. That kind of stuff is tough.
I remember she would always put the mustard on my sandwiches for me. And the other day, I made a sandwich and I forgot to put the mustard on and I took a bite into it and I was like, "Why isn't there any mustard on it?". And then I remembered: Dolores is dead. And I cried for hours, just hours, mourning my wife again. It was like the old wound just opened right up again. And I was crying for hours probably, just hours, y'know? Which was fine. It was fine. That's just part of life, y'know? To just cry for hours because your soulmate is gone and she's never coming back. And y'know, that doesn't depress me. It doesn't depress me at all, y'know?
And sometimes, the neighbors come knocking on my door and they tell me that I've been screaming in my sleep. I've just been screaming out, "Dolores! Dolores! I wanna kill myself without you!" But, listen, those people used to the loudest parties, y'know? And if I can't make a little noise myself, then that's just fair, y'know? It's just fair that I get to make a little noise myself. And its fine, y'know. I don't know, I don't remember the dreams when I wake up but I'd imagine that it's just me dreaming about my wife and how great life was when we were still both alive, when my life had more of a purpose in those days.
And, y'know, I look at her picture a lot. It's just that I look at her picture a lot. Because its right there, y'know, on the bedside and you wake up and go to bed and you're starting your day and ending your day with Dolores. It's hard not to look at the picture. She looks so beautiful in that picture.
But it's fine. It's fine. It's a part of life, y'know? That's part of how life goes.
I miss you, sweetie. I miss you so much.
I'm gonna do it.
Forgive me.
