I've been stewing over this whole thing for a bit now and I think I've come to terms woth how I feel. It does hurt, a little bit. But really it isn't her fault at all, which makes it worse.
I didn't feel like I've ever been 'parasocial' with Fauna.
>I barely type in chat (emotes don't count)
>I don't Supa
>I don't watch a lot of her members content even though ive been membered for a year and some change now
>I can't stand her asmr even though I like asmr a lot, but I've always thought it was cool that she cares about that and tries hard at it
I realized that I like how hard she works. And more specifically I liked how hard she works "for the fans" which is how I felt. When she got her birthday stuff and there was that sea shanty about the saps, I really liked that. I had nothing to do with it but I liked the feeling of community about it, and I really loved faunas appreciation of it. I've always, ALWAYS though of her as someone that really does appreciate the fans.
Does she (platonically) like her fans? Idk, it doesn't matter
Is she weirded out by her fans? Not really
Are there shit stirrers? Yeah but she's been usually pretty good at dealing with them.
Are the Ara Ara mommy things cringe? Yeah, but it isn't hard to ignore or see it as a joke (it is funny)
I've never felt like a weird comment in chat, or some sensitive situation in a game has ever soured the viewing experience for me. THAT FUCKING RULES
That's part of why I loved her streams so much, it wasn't that "she was there for me" but it was that she cultivated a space which was extremely comfy to be in. That is why I felt parasocial to her
Part of why this has made me so uncomfortable and left a weird feeling is because I'm only now realizing I am and feel parasocial with Fauna. It's probably impossible to pay someone money for over a year and hear them talk for hours multiple times a week and not feel ANYTHING parasocial to them. At least not for me.
Fauna is usually very good at kayfabe. That's part of why I liked her at first. The fact that this has made me question how she feels about her fans, hurts. It's left me generally unsure about how to feel about her. I feel an attraction to her that isn't romantic, isn't platonic, isn't even real since she'll never know me. It's made me re-evaluate how I feel about being a sapling and what that means to me. I've never had any reason to question these things because Fauna was very good at her job.
When people shit talk Fauna or troll. My main defense mentally was "maybe, but she cares about her fans". So to hear her kinda say the opposite (or for her to say something that made me feel like it might not be true) is really unsettling.
All that's being said, I'm unmembering since I really never needed to be. I've been watching her a little less before this anyway to I guess it works out. I've been trying to get a job in Antarctica for some time and I've been really excited about it. I always imagined that I'd make my first superchat say something like "hey Fauna! Big fan here! I'm gonna be missing a bunch of streams since I'll be working in Antarctica for a couple months! Looking forward to the cool clips when I get back!
(There is internet in Antarctica but only kinda)
And then I imagined she'll be like
"Wwwhhhhaaaaaaaatttt! Antarctica!! Omg that's so cool!" And then say something cool about it or have a cute reaction. I actually got an email to interview with them just today and I've been looking forward to this for like 9 months now. The timing sucks I guess. Sorry for blogposting but I don't have social media so I hope you liked reading it
