>>51224183It's a hobby where you are just a very small, insignificant cog in an overwhelmingly large sea of identical cogs. You will not make a difference if you only think about how small and insignificant you are. You will hate yourself for taking away from you something you enjoyed and made you happy. You will hate yourself even more because it seems you know what is wrong with the way you look at this, but you won't change that perspective.
I understand you, anon. You know that you are stripping away the joy from your own hobby and you won't stop until it only makes you mad, or sad, or confused, or all of them at once.
If all of what I've said rings true, then you are beyond saving. Leave this hobby and go find one where the internet is minimally involved. On the other hand, you can always consider the rope.
If you are willing to give this whole thing another chance, try to find joy in the content itself. The happiness of your oshi stems from how much her viewers value her content, not of how many viewers there are. The celebrations of milestones are a natural form of showing gratitude for the support she gets, she's NOT asking for more.
We give our oshis what we can, because they deserve it. They won't get all they deserve, because we can't give it. And that's ok. It's that simple.
