I just read the twitlonger.
Holy fuck mocca. Come on bro/girl/whatever, yes it's hard as fuck, but you can dig yourself out of these patterns, with time and effort.
In case you're reading, I can only suggest what I know, which is what worked for me. I'm not telling you what to do but here it is just in case it helps (or anyone else reading):
I suggest reading on wabi-sabi and kintsugi. Repairing the broken with gold, finding purpose in the imperfections. Suffering brings experience and character. Buddhism brings a mindset of awareness of the shittyness of life, humilty and compassion for all life.
As a complementary process, literally get angry. Rebel against the yourself that is following the pattern. Every time you get this fear/thoughts, visualize it as a different you and fucking tear down that motherfucker in your mind. It's basically thought interruption training. Kind of an aggressive meditation.
Don't even try to reason with it, every time it comes, slash, even if you have to repeat it 50 times in a row. Zero tolerance policy.Sword, claws whatever just go fucking apeshit against it, but keep it a short imagined action and always the same action. You condition yourself to feel like a predator and those thoughts a prey, you end up reacting like that to those fears/thoughts, and then those thoughts stop appearing because you've broken and replaced the pattern with something different.
