>>58351386Amounting to anything to me means being able to financially support myself and living a happy and fulfilling life. I wish I could work a job that I don't absolutely hate, get paid a livable wage and in my free time spend time with my family and play video games. I should have never been born because everyone has to work a job they hate and get paid very little, I'm a failure who can't suck it up and go back to working 60 hours a week because it made me miserable. 90% of people in the world have to live my situation every day but I seem to think I'm so fucking special that it's a huge deal for me? It's pathetic.
I used to have fun livestreaming but that's because I had dreams. My dream of joining NIJISANJI died when I started to realize that the EN branch is destroying everything NIJISANJI stood for and everything that made it special to me. When I discovered Production Kawaii and Namiji I wanted to work as hard as I could to join them, to support the girls as a coworker and friend and to make people smile by just being myself but I screwed it all up. I ruined every chance I had but even if I didn't ruin my chances I still haven't come to terms with the fact that I have no talent and I'm not entertaining. Simply being passionate about video games and being passionate about streaming and about interacting with your audience doesn't make you a good streamer if you aren't talented or entertaining, and that's a hard pill for me to swallow. I'm so miserable and streaming helps me keep my mind off the fact that I want to end everything, when I'm not streaming I'm constantly thinking about how everything sucks and how I'm just so miserable. I wish I be doing stuff like 3D concerts, I wish I could do stuff like birthday merch, I wish I could do stuff like collab with other likeminded VTubers, I wish I could have fans who enjoy watching my streams, I wish I could inspire other people to chase their dreams but my own dream is fucking dead and I resent the fact that I was ever born. My parents should have just had my sister and no other children because I was born a disappointment and I will die a disappointment and I hope the end isn't too far off for me.
At this rate I don't even know if I will get my degree. I can only afford this final semester but my GPA is so bad that I have to do everything near perfectly in order to get this degree. I don't want a degree, I didn't want this but I was running out of time age wise to use the benefits and I didn't want my mom's sacrifice to be wasted.
I don't know what your comment means regarding the law thing. But yes, I'm not able to mentally work through any of this stuff, it's been 3 years at this point. No one can help me if I can't help myself, I'm just so sick of waking up.
