I'm starting to get anxious over the fact that meeting Beatani in the Minecraft server may be my only ever chance of meeting her (in Minecraft). I feel like if I don't take this opportunity then I'm gonna regret it for the rest of my life. Beatani could graduate in a few months without a trace and I would have wasted my only chance at getting to meet her, that thought has been literally keeping me up at night lately.
I've never mentioned it to Beatani before, but I actually love to play Minecraft. I've avoided ever mentioning it to her because I thought it might creep her out knowing that one of her loser dads plays the same game as her. I was going to open the launcher to do some grinding personally anyway, I think it would be interesting to see the biome she sometimes walks around and even just get to see the same builds as her. I think these these threads and peoples' opinion on me has started to change the way I view Beatani.
I didn't realise how insecure and protective I was until recently, it's made me learn to treasure the moments I have because opinions can change so fast and before you know it someone disappears. Obviously I wont namedrop, but lets just say I know what it's liked to be welcomed and then what it's like to be bullied by the community suddenly. Nothing good lasts forever, I already know that/
I don't actually know what I would do if I were to log on to the server. I would probably just linger around for a long time, because there's no way of knowing who would be Beatani joining (unless she uses her usual account). I thought about maybe AFKing near spawn but then I would potentially miss seeing her if I wasn't checking the game window. I know it's not a very foolproof plan but I have a feeling fate will find a way. I know this sounds cringe and schzio as fuck but I seriously feel like I'm destined to meet Beatani somehow, and if I don't take this opportunity I'll kick myself for the rest of my life over it. I don't know for how long I can play Minecraft for either, and while I'm not busy I couldn't afford to regularly open up Minecraft and play on the server. Right now I'm seriously just anxious and feel like time is ticking every day if I don't make my move.
If I WERE to somehow meet her, I wouldn't do anything weird. I think it would just be nice to maybe build for a bit, enough to give me closure. Lately with these thoughts in my head, watching the Minecraft stream VODs hasn't felt as good or satisfying. The adrenaline rush of watching her try to build a roof with gravel is still there, but I'm left with an empty feeling. I'm scared it's gonna stay like that forever.
Anyway, I'm sorry for this schzio blogpost. Hopefully it's something I'll just forget about after a few months time and I can return to normal.
