I'm starting to get anxious over the fact that meeting Beatani at the hotel may be my only ever chance of meeting her in real life. I feel like if I don't take this opportunity then I'm gonna regret it for the rest of my life. Beatani could graduate in a few months without a trace and I would have wasted my only chance at getting to meet her, that thought has been literally keeping me up at night lately.

I've never mentioned it to Beatani before, but I actually live in Japan. I've avoided ever mentioning it to her because I thought it might creep her out knowing that one of her loser dads lives in the same country as her. I was going to go to the hotel to drop my letter off personally anyway, I think it would be interesting to see the area she sometimes walks around and even just get to breathe the same air as her. I think these these threads and peoples' opinion on me has started to change the way I view Beatani.
I didn't realise how insecure and protective I was until recently, it's made me learn to treasure the moments I have because opinions can change so fast and before you know it someone disappears. Obviously I wont namedrop, but lets just say I know what it's liked to be welcomed and then what it's like to be bullied by the community suddenly. Nothing good lasts forever, I already know that/

I don't actually know what I would do if I were to go to the hotel. I would probably just linger around for a long time, because there's no way of knowing who would be Beatani entering. I thought about maybe booking into the hotel but then I would potentially miss seeing her if I was just in my room. I know it's not a very foolproof plan but I have a feeling fate will find a way. I know this sounds cringe and schzio as fuck but I seriously feel like I'm destined to meet Beatani somehow, and if I don't take this opportunity I'll kick myself for the rest of my life over it. I don't know for how long I can stay in Japan for either, and while I'm not poor I couldn't afford to regularly take trips to Japan and stay there. Right now I'm seriously just anxious and feel like time is ticking every day if I don't make my move.
If I WERE to somehow meet her, I wouldn't do anything weird. I think it would just be nice to maybe talk for a bit, enough to give me closure. Lately with these thoughts in my head, talking to her on twitter hasn't felt as good or satisfying. The adrenaline rush of seeing her reply is still there, but I'm left with an empty feeling. I'm scared it's gonna stay like that forever.

Anyway, I'm sorry for this schzio blogpost. Hopefully it's something I'll just forget about after a few months time and I can return to normal.