>>6684195It varies from day to day. Usually she inspires me to always try my best and be better, but then come the thoughts of all those wasted years and how far behind I am and how much work is there to be done just to reach the level I should've reached ages ago, and the comparison paralyzes me.
I'll never reach her and it's easier to just wallow in self-pity. She wouldn't want to be my friend if she knew me, anyway
But then again, she will never tell me that, so the delusions of what-if will keep me going and there is always a chance, however small, that one day another friend will come along, so I want to be ready, and I don't want to miss out on any other beautiful thing.
tldr; she motivates me through bringing my flaws into the light which makes me sick, but still motivated to at least be able to say that I've tried and never truly gave up
