i genuinely think the only way this will be fixed for me is if you all really do leave
i just wanted to be happy and have fun but you really do all just hate
i dont think i can ever make you happy, i have tried so hard for so long but no matter what it's just not enough
i just want the schizos to leave me alone. i want to go back to enjoying streams, to having fun with you. thats all ive ever wanted. iots not a larp to me its real and im tired of no matter what i do being questioned, being torn apart, having people constantly trying to catch me out when im doing my best all of the time,. i just dont know what you people want. i tried total honesty and yet everyone still calls me a liar over everything which makes me so mad because there is nothing on this planet i hate more than lying. i despise it. yert nothing i do or say or oprove or try to do will ever get through to you people. and thats the worst part, yuou wont just leave me alone,. you stay and hate me and try to destroy me and do everything you can to hyurt me. i dont knoww hat i did butr i just want it all to end.
i know im crazy. i know im not good enough. i know im, not as cute as neoppie or as socially interactive as oli or as good at talkin g as nina or any of those
people.so just go watch them. i will never be them. sao go to them. i dont know why you have to compare me to my friends so much constantly seriously just go then. i cant believe you peiople c an talk about me so much and hate me so much. why is it so hard for you to just go and watch someone else then?
i am scared shitless of all of you and i can barely turn on the stream most days and i didnt even realise how bad everything was until i made that statement. making tyhat statement was one of the hardewst things i have ever done and every word of it came from my heart and soul. it was so fucking difficult to sit down and be honest and i wept for hours before and after posting it. the first few days of this were so fuckling hard i just wanted all of this to end i just want to go back to normal i cant stand changes to my routine and thenm i had a huge break again and i slept for a week straight and threw up everything i ate until the week after. i have been hallucinating and having delusions i was completely nopt luciud for a few days adn i am losing it still now. yes i replied to lucy. i came on discord a few days ago and replied to all of my friends that messaged me. it wasnt supposed to be a secret. i was going to tweet or something then but i got too scared and overthought it all again and went back to bed.
i was going to tweet today but i made the huge mistake of checking this thread, i know i shouldnt, i know i say i dont, this is the first time since the break,. staying off social media was genuinely so fucking good for me ive just been in bed trying to get myself back together. ihad a bad sickness a few days after the break begun and if i had been able to get out of bed then i wopuldnt have been able to once that happened. i am genuinely at my lowest mentally and physically. im nto in paris or japan im lying in my bed fucking phoneposting on this stupid board for the first time in 3 years because imn genuinely at my limit with you all,.
i just want 4chan to leave me alone. i dont want anything to do with you people. i just want to go back to having fun when i get better and i cant do this anymore. whoever said you scare me? theyre right. you do. i have been scared shitless of you people for so long now i forgot what its like to feel like to not be constantly questyioning people and thinkingh about how much all of yuo really hate mwe when you tell me you love me and how much all of you really want me dead and to be miserable and how much it doesnt matter wha ti say because no matyter whaty i will be torn apartt by you again and again
i dont knopw what i did to make you hate me so much but im sorry. but please please just leav eme aloine. i cant do this anym,ore. i c ant.
