>>7604239okay, anon, i have read this entire work out of curiosity as to why there has been continued conversation after a story was posted with nary any feedback given.
please keep in mind that i am not at all trying to be rude or offensive in anything i say; i merely wish to give you personal feedback out of respect for the effort you put into writing.
so foremost, this was difficult to read. it took mental effort to keep track of where i was and i pin that on two things - first, the lack of line breaks.
you've made sure to make ample use of paragraphs, but there are 6 line breaks in this entire work and so it still looks like a massive wall of text regardless. put one line between paragraphs and this makes it so much more readable.
we don't often get a third person perspective here so it was refreshing, but smut works far better in the first or second person perspective. the reason for this ties in to my second issue - your prose.
it's quite stylistic, eschewing detailed description in favour of a faster-paced, action-oriented narrative. while this would be a good choice for other situations - fight scenes come to mind - i think it does NOT work in smut.
with smut, you're trying to be sensual and evoke in the reader a sense of immersion. they need to feel matsuri's soft, supple skin as she grinds her swollen, sticky vulva against anon's face; they need to feel the pleasure boiling within anon's cock as it is massaged in the constricting, moist depths of matsuri's vagina, every internal crease massaging the shaft, every twitch bringing anon closer to the white-hot release he's desperately trying to hold back.
a lot of your prose lacks frivolous details such as texture, smell or taste.
for example, right from the start - "She tasted the inside of his mouth, relished the texture of his tongue on hers, and loved his face."
what did his mouth taste like? bitter, acrid smoke? a faint velvety sweetness from the chocolate tart accompanied by his morning coffee at a cafe? what do you mean by "loved" his face?
finally, there seems to be an inconsistency in tone; the writing seems to be geared towards a smut story, but it's made clear anon despises his treatment at the hands of matsuri. do you intend for the reader to get off? if so, whom are they to insert as? anon is feeling all of these sensations with a deep sense of revulsion. are you meant to empathize with anon, and hate matsuri? why does it read like a smut story, then?
okay, that's all i have to say. once again, i don't mean to be offensive, this is just my personal take. you might disagree with me; that's okay. it's just personal feedback, feel free to ignore it.
